On Children and Attachment

"Life is best organised as a series of daring ventures from a secure base" - John Bowlby

I have talked about attachment in past and I just thought to share here for reference and expand on it a little bit more. 

First of all, attachment is not inherently a bad thing. It is the type of attachment that is a problem. We hear things like "that child is too attached to their parent" and automatically assume it's bad. Next instinct is to train them to become tough or independent so as not to be so attached. 

Dear mostly African and Asian parents, before you start training on toughness, please hear me out...

Attachment Theory (thanks to Bowlby and Ainsworth) tries to explain the close relationships or bonds that exist between people, starting from childhood. Since my interest is children and their development and behaviour, I will talk about it from the context of a parent-child/caregiver relationship. I would have considered romantic relationships, but I haven't quite figured that out just yet. LOL. Maybe after I do, I'll open another blog for that. For now, let's focus on children.

Attachments are usually formed in the first year of life from interactions between a child and a primary caregiver (could be a parent or someone else). They are based on how confident a child is that their parents would respond to their needs - are they responsive or not, and what kind of response is it? 

Following from these responses, children develop a concept (called internal working model in psychology). This concept becomes the framework through which they build relationships, view the world, experience life and how they also respond to situations. 

It is important for children to have a safe place from where they can explore their environment or the world. If this lacking or threatened, it could create fear, anxiety or withdrawal and if not properly dealt with, extends well into adulthood. The type of response they receive determines what kind of attachment styles they develop. 

There are two broad categories of attachment:

It can be SECURE, where parents are sensitive and respond lovingly to the needs of a child when they're in distress, feel fearful etc. Here, the child comes to learn that their needs will be met and as such, develop a concept or model of being able to freely express negative emotions. This is because they feel safe or can get reassurance or response from the parent.

At some point in the history of the study of child development, it was believed that showing affection to your children was generally thought to result in weak children. Thankfully, advancements in research have shown otherwise. We're not raising baby warriors like the Spartans who would leave their children in the mountains to die after they were examined and found to be non-promising, or like the Romans who rejected their children if considered weak.

Children who are raised like that are reaised under stress and are unprepared for a life outside of stress, conflicts etc. It's just dysfunctional. 

Attachments can also be INSECURE and fall within two categories (others say three):

- Avoidant: when parents or caregivers are not sensitive and ignore or neglect the child's emotional needs. Typical behaviour here is that the child tends to be indifferent about their parents' presence and develop self-soothing strategies. 

- Anxious: when parents/caregivers are not consistent with their response to their child's emotional needs, showing impatience etc. Because they haven't quite established that confidence about their parents' response, the child here is usually clingy.

For some African (specifically Nigerian parents), it is worth mentioning that in a child's early years (period when their attachment style is being developed), the preference would typically be for the affectionate parent over a providing one. So for some fathers who hide behind the "I'm providing" and so cannot be affectionate, remember that you're missing out of a chance to really bond with your child. 

The implication for older children is that when they get the provision or physical needs from you, they will always go and seek that affection, warmth and security in other places. There is the danger that these "other places" might offer a false sense of affection to lure them. 

Sorry, this post is now long. Thanks for reading to the end. 

Please share any thoughts you have...

Love always,

Amazing Jesz