Is Your Child a People-Pleaser?

"You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no to people"

- Unknown

A friend sent me a video a couple of days ago to get my opinion. I get these sort of videos every now and then. Now I'm starting to wonder if it's because they genuinely want my opinion or a debate because my opinions almost always seem to be different. LOL. 

Anyways, the video was about a guy advising that parents shouldn't always affirm or praise their kids when they do things, otherwise they would create in the children a desire to always want to have that sort of validation or affirmation from people. And in doing this, they'd inadvertently become people pleasers. So when his daughter draws a beautiful picture for instance and shows him, rather than praise her by saying great job, he would first ask her how she feels about it, then affirm whatever she says. 

People pleasers are known to be sacrificial even to their detriment, and do not have an independent opinion that is contrary to what they think people want. This is because they always want to be liked or seen as agreeable.

Whilst I understand his trying to proffer solution to a genuine problem, I have my concerns about what he said, and my concerns are in two-fold. 

Firstly, I do not think parents affirming their children is a cause of people-pleasing. In a tough world where they are faced with challenges, I think kids need to have a safe place where they can run to when the world hits them hard and they need to recover or get through it. Where else would they go than to a place where they feel secure and would get the support and encouragement they need. Once they are assured of that safe place, then they know they can get honest feedback or opinions.

Rather, I think people-pleasing stems from children's fear of strong criticisms or displeasure from parents when they express or make choices outside of the parents' expectations. This may be because parents have withheld affection from them in the past in similar situations. The fear that affection can be withdrawn may cause them to act in ways that would always please the parents. Remember that parental response to children in the early years of development helps them in forming attachment bonds which are the precursors to future relationships. Lacking a sense of security from their parents, people-pleasing children still have a desire to feel secure which causes them to comply or conform to other people's expectations.

Secondly, I don't think the emphasis on letting how kids feel determine whether to affirm a thing as good or bad even if it is the opposite, is quite right. Children are just getting to understand their feelings and how to properly handle them. I think it is a time when they should be taught that though valid, their feelings should not always be the basis for acceptance or rejection in their lives. Feelings do not always reflect the truth.

For example, that they feel offended by a situation or someone's actions does not mean the situation or person was offensive. If parents are able to question or get them to try to think about what they have done or see things from others perspective, they would be teaching the kids to not always be in their feelings and to develop empathy. 

So what to do not to raise people-pleasing children? Just a few tips here:

- Develop secure attachment bonds with your kids (more on attachment in a separate post later).

- Affirm them when they do something great or succeed at a task. Acknowledge when they don't succeed or are struggling and praise them for their efforts while teaching them to work through or do it better.

- This relates to the point above - allow them them try out things themselves even if they fail. Failure at a task doesn't mean they are failures. 

- Don't be critical or threaten them by withholding the one true thing they need the most from you - AFFECTION - when they make choices different from your expectations. This is an exploratory stage for them, so they would always have different opinions. Sometimes they might be testing the safe boundaries you build for them, and through this would learn about consequences.

- When you see children start to develop people-pleasing tendencies, they may have copied it from somewhere. It's time to step in and start doing the above.

This is becoming too long. I'll stop here for now so I don't start to bore you.

Please share any ideas or opinions you might have in the comment section.

Love always,

Amazing Jesz