Building Confidence I

 "Don't always rescue your child from a challenge; instead teach them how to face it"

I struggled a wee bit with a topic for this post. Let me start with a story to give some context to this struggle.

I was visiting a friend once and she told me how her daughter (6 years at the time) who usually loved to eat beans and take it to school for lunch had been complaining about taking it to school recently.The reason being that her friends (one of whom used to love beans with her) were teasing her for eating beans. These kids were between ages 6-7. Of course my friend was naturally upset and was already making plans to get to her daughter's school to speak with the teacher to warn the kids. Alternatively, she said she would have to stop giving her daughter beans for lunch. 

I can imagine how she felt just seeing her little baby teased for loving a type of meal that others didn't think was good. This is something that a number of parents tend to do - the desire to always step in to fight for/protect their children in the face of perceived 'hurt' to them.

I advised her against going to the school to discuss with the teacher (unless she was being bullied), but focus on trying to empower her daughter to respond to such situations. Empowering her child would help build her confidence too. I mean the girl would grow up and face the world and wouldn't always have her mum come fight for her. 

It could be something else in the future - how would she respond to that if she isn't taught how to do so now? And why would she even deny her daughter the pleasure of eating a type of food she loves so much because other people didn't like it!

So I advised her to do a "Beans Project" (as I tagged it) with her daughter. Get a book/material on beans and help her do some research on how it's grown, the benefits (to the body and other crops), and the different recipes that can be made from it (which is something the other kids would most likely enjoy), then actually go on to make one of those recipes together. 

For the daughter, the joy of just doing this with her Mum and all the positive feedback she would expectedly get from the rest of her family will help give her the confidence to speak with her friends. She would also learn something new which she can teach her friends. I'd add that her Mum should speak about the project to her (Mum's) friends when they visit so her daughter can overhear... e.g "Jess, Amanda (not real name) and I cooked moi-moi this weekend. Amanda was so helpful (then call out specific things that she did). The moi-moi we made was really tasty! I'm so proud of her!".

Our kids will have to deal with the real world by themselves someday, and we know that world is not always the kindest or most understanding to people who have differing opinions or likes. We don't have to wait until they are 'old enough' in our estimation to start fostering this self-confidence. 

So I'll give some tips on how we can help with this. But before that, I want to mention that parenting/caregiving is intentional, and it sometimes takes a while to see the positive outcome of all our hard work. Don't get frustrated when these results are not immediate; just keep at it and be consistent.

1. Encourage them to explore. When they struggle with trying to identify a thing, give them hints and teach them. Allow them ask questions and try to explain as simple as possible. E.g. when a child asks "why is Grandma's skin wrinkly?", explain that when people get older, their skin starts to wrinkle etc. 

2. Compliment them: Even when they don't succeed at a task, compliment them for the effort they put and encourage them to try again. Let them know you still love even when they don't succeed or make mistakes

3. Give them opportunities to make age-appropriate choices: For younger kids, this can maybe be restricted to just two items. E.g. would you like to wear your blue or brown shoes today? What do you prefer for breakfast - cereal or potatoes? Little tasks like that make them feel their voice matters and so would not hold back from speaking when it's needed. They can also be given age-appropriate tasks that you wouldn't need to re-do so they don't feel they are not measuring up. Remember there are still learning and will get better at doing it.

4. Don't talk down at them or use baby or kiddy language. I understand the desire to get them to understand you. You can explain the words you use, but don't shy away from using them. Encourage conversations, and use those opportunities to teach something.

Self-confidence goes hand-in-hand with emotional intelligence and I'd be looking at that in another blog post. Stay tuned ✌😉

Always me! 

The Baby Analyst!

An Investment Banker who loves kids.

Please share your thoughts on your experience in the comment section and other tips you may have.

God bless you!