"NO!" and "STOP!"
"Childhood trauma does not come in one single package" ~ Asa Don Brown
Since the attention of this Blog is on children, I am going to look at this from an entirely different angle focusing on the words "NO!" and "STOP!" and how these words eventually build into consent.
I think it is very important that we teach our children that it is okay to say "NO!" as well as "STOP!" if they ever start to feel uncomfortable about a situation they are in. Consent is not an isolated word that suddenly becomes relevant in a sexual situation or when children become adults or can articulately express themselves. It builds up gradually from childhood when we teach them how to respect boundaries, say what they mean, and mean what they say, especially when it comes to saying "NO".
To this, I'd like to say that saying NO and following it with action is also absolutely necessary. When you do this, you teach them to say what they mean, mean what they say, and that their voice matters.
Let me give an example of what I mean here:
I used to be really ticklish as a child. My siblings or cousins would sneak up on me and tickle me non-stop till I laughed so hard and became teary-eyed. It wasn't always pleasant, as sometimes my laughter would turn to cries of "No! Stop! No!", but the tickling would continue. I can bet a few of you had similar experience. I remember feeling helpless at some of those times when I genuinely wanted them to stop and they wouldn't. Of course they were all jokes to us then, and I hope you can understand what I mean.
How did I manage the tickling? I stiffened myself and eventually 'trained' myself to not respond to being tickled. Now I don't laugh when I'm tickled, or maybe it's just because I have love handles now and so the sensations can't travel far enough.
The point I am trying to make is that when we don't teach children to communicate their "NO" and "STOP" and how to respond appropriately to when other children tell them same, we teach them that they don't have a voice or their voices/wills are not respected. In practice, this means that once a brother/sister says No or Stop - whether to hugging, tickling, sharing their property, or even during playtime, then that action should be immediately discontinued.
Following from this, children would grow up to understand that NO means NO, STOP means STOP, and so when they communicate anything, they really do mean what they are saying. Through this, parents can lovingly teach children to build their confidence around relating with each other and with adults; they would also learn to respect people's boundaries.
When they eventually grow to become adolescents and start getting attracted to the opposite sex, they would have sufficiently understood how to navigate sexual situations that make them uncomfortable (i.e. situations where there are no threats of violence).
A friend called me the other day talking about how her teenage daughter was starting to have a crush on a boy at school that also liked her. Fortunately, her Mum brought her up to be free enough to tell her about it and ask questions. When my friend explained what she had told her daughter, I asked her to follow it up with teaching her consent if she hadn't already done so...which turned out to be good advice. Apparently, her daughter thought, from movies and discussion with friends, that she had to act in 'certain ways' (e.g. hug, hold hands) with the guy to show that she liked him irrespective of how she felt. Her mother explained that it was perfectly OK for her to say no to anything that made her uncomfortable, and to always mean what she said. This helped the girl to clear a lot of confusion about what she thought was normal or expected.
If you haven't started teaching consent in this, might be a good time to consider it.
It all starts from the little things!!!
Would be great to read your comments if you have any.
Not a doctor; just a financial analyst who loves kids.
When I decided to write on this topic, the first thought that came to my mind was CONSENT. That word has been thrown around so much, especially with the not-so-recent '#MeToo' movement that trended a couple of years ago on Social Media.
A number of people even started to make jokes about it, and I must say sadly that I could understand where they were coming from as a number of people lack any knowledge about setting and respecting boundaries. Since the attention of this Blog is on children, I am going to look at this from an entirely different angle focusing on the words "NO!" and "STOP!" and how these words eventually build into consent.
I think it is very important that we teach our children that it is okay to say "NO!" as well as "STOP!" if they ever start to feel uncomfortable about a situation they are in. Consent is not an isolated word that suddenly becomes relevant in a sexual situation or when children become adults or can articulately express themselves. It builds up gradually from childhood when we teach them how to respect boundaries, say what they mean, and mean what they say, especially when it comes to saying "NO".
To this, I'd like to say that saying NO and following it with action is also absolutely necessary. When you do this, you teach them to say what they mean, mean what they say, and that their voice matters.
Let me give an example of what I mean here:
I used to be really ticklish as a child. My siblings or cousins would sneak up on me and tickle me non-stop till I laughed so hard and became teary-eyed. It wasn't always pleasant, as sometimes my laughter would turn to cries of "No! Stop! No!", but the tickling would continue. I can bet a few of you had similar experience. I remember feeling helpless at some of those times when I genuinely wanted them to stop and they wouldn't. Of course they were all jokes to us then, and I hope you can understand what I mean.
How did I manage the tickling? I stiffened myself and eventually 'trained' myself to not respond to being tickled. Now I don't laugh when I'm tickled, or maybe it's just because I have love handles now and so the sensations can't travel far enough.
The point I am trying to make is that when we don't teach children to communicate their "NO" and "STOP" and how to respond appropriately to when other children tell them same, we teach them that they don't have a voice or their voices/wills are not respected. In practice, this means that once a brother/sister says No or Stop - whether to hugging, tickling, sharing their property, or even during playtime, then that action should be immediately discontinued.
Following from this, children would grow up to understand that NO means NO, STOP means STOP, and so when they communicate anything, they really do mean what they are saying. Through this, parents can lovingly teach children to build their confidence around relating with each other and with adults; they would also learn to respect people's boundaries.
When they eventually grow to become adolescents and start getting attracted to the opposite sex, they would have sufficiently understood how to navigate sexual situations that make them uncomfortable (i.e. situations where there are no threats of violence).
A friend called me the other day talking about how her teenage daughter was starting to have a crush on a boy at school that also liked her. Fortunately, her Mum brought her up to be free enough to tell her about it and ask questions. When my friend explained what she had told her daughter, I asked her to follow it up with teaching her consent if she hadn't already done so...which turned out to be good advice. Apparently, her daughter thought, from movies and discussion with friends, that she had to act in 'certain ways' (e.g. hug, hold hands) with the guy to show that she liked him irrespective of how she felt. Her mother explained that it was perfectly OK for her to say no to anything that made her uncomfortable, and to always mean what she said. This helped the girl to clear a lot of confusion about what she thought was normal or expected.
If you haven't started teaching consent in this, might be a good time to consider it.
It all starts from the little things!!!
Would be great to read your comments if you have any.
The Baby Analyst.
Thanks a lot for this.
ReplyDelete